So, here's the deal. For a long time I've had more figured out about the autism parenting journey than I have had about other parts of my life. The last two-and-a-half years have been my wake-up-punch-in-the-face after falling ever so flat and hard on said face.
The other night, I read part one of this two-part blog post series to my spiritual teacher. I shared my thoughts about how it felt when someone approached me just the opposite way and how it's done and how it feels. "That's it, Leisa! That's the experience! You've got to take what you are learning into your everyday life with other people!"
The transferable experience goes as follows. In reliving the familiar experience of having someone offer up some piece of information or some solution or "cure" they are so sure I have never heard of about autism despite that I live this life every day and not in a vaccum, I described how it felt when someone did approach me sensitively. It looks something like this:
They ask questions. They approach with humility. They are respectfully curious and come as a student, not a teacher. They lay down any assumptions about what they think I don't know. They say things like: "I bet you have heard of this…." "You are probably inundated with information…." "I heard about such and such. I figure you have an opinion. What do you think? What is your experience?" (The later can backfire if it's asked with bated breath, the person bug-eyed and eager to tell me they think this or that is the end-all, be-all and sure-to-fix-all.)
It's a lot like nonviolent communication, I said to my teacher. You ask how the person feels, instead of assuming. You gather data, inquire what they might need. Ask questions instead of issuing statements.
When this happens, I soften. My defenses do not rise as they do when I am approached by yet another person, often strangers, offering up whatever fix-it they've read or heard. The autism-causative vaccine issue creates the most polarization with people just knowing that it's one way or the other and holding tenanciously to their truth and either assuming that I, of course, agree, or, that surely I don't believe that. And then, there are those who are open and curious. And what they'll hear is that I give both sides weight and do not veer to either extreme. They've opened the door to listen and dialogue.
So, the take home version of the golden rule here is to not assume that others want to hear what I know or what I think I know. To inquire first. To gather the data and see how others are feeling. "Wait to be invited," says my teacher.
That. Is a route for the safest way to manuever the obstacle course of the autism parenting journey, or any journey, especially when it is a journey that is not my own.
Instagram photo, Percy Warner Park Cross County Trail, ©LeisaHammett.com
